My spoon is to big.....

Spectral Erosa

Sat, 26 Aug 2006 05:08:44 GMT

Oh my fucking god! I went with Chris and Akira to Spectral Erosa tonight and let me just say, I had the best time EVER. I got all dressed up and even put on makeup. Mom did my eyeliner pretty cool. So I was totaly gothed out (I went to walmart that way as well).
The music was superb. There was this hot girl in one of the cages dancing, and this other REALLY hot girl dancing on the floor. I couldn't take my eyes off her.
But that wasn't the best part. Oh no. The main entertainment was this dominatrix from Savannah. She took this girl and tied her to a saw horse thing. Then she proceded to slap her around and stick needles in her legs... then they turned her around and needles went into her chest and neck. I was total mezmerized.
I'm definitaly going next month, the hot girl that was dancing, Rachel, is going to be in the main event getting tied up apparently. That will be a site to behold.
I just had such an amazing time. It was nothing like I expected.
I am on cloud nine right now.
Such a good night I had.

it's been a while

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 04:31:45 GMT

Well I've been neglecting my LJ once again. I've been posting more on Myspace than anything really.
Lets see, I turned 24 on the 6th of this month... I feel so old. Way to old to be dealing with the shit that I do and acting like I do.
I'm STILL waiting on my social security court date. Though hopefully it will be anyday now. When i get that I'm moving the fuck out of here or I'll lose my mind.
Speaking of losing ones mind. I was in the looney bin once again. I got our monday. I didn't OD on pills or anything, didn't even cut. I just felt so suicidal and I couldn't take it. I did meet a really cool girl there. Jackie. She's 22 and likes all kinds of music like I do, and loves to read about fantasy stuff. She's just really entertaining. I got her email and I've emailed her. Hopefully she emails me back and we can hang out some and stuff. I need a local friend that's a girl. I seem to be abandoned by all of mine at this point.

I need a cigarette bad. I should have gone to the store earlier and gotten some. Oh well. I guess I'll just go in the morning. Or maybe mom will pick up some on her way home from taking allison to school.

Oh man I haven't listend to TBM in a while. Ohhh so good. I'd love to see them live.

Question... do I depress you? Because apparently I depressed one friend so badly that she decided she wanted nothing to do with me. Whatever, she was a liar, and a theif anyway. Not really worth the effort and time put into that relationship.

I'm trying to decide if I should go see CancerSlug on the first. I'll need like 10 bucks, which i could possibly have if I don't spend to much on saturday when Chris takes me shopping. I have to get a bathroom scale. I'm doing the weight watchers point system. That and my symlin should make the pounds melt off. I've already lost 12 pounds. Go me. Hopefully I can fit into my strappy pants by the next spectralrosa or whatever. I definitaly wanna go to that. I've never been to a night club before, and on a goth night... that should be nice. Lots of nice looking goth girls to look at apparently, and good music. And maybe some drinkys. WEEEEEE!

Okay I think I've rambled enough for now. Time to play more of the sims.

Almost Lonley

Tue, 18 Jul 2006 09:47:42 GMT

Sometimes I feel like the only person in the world I have is Chris. And I love him so much but it makes me feel really lonley sometimes. I feel like any friends I ever had are so far away from me doing their own thing and don't really care about me at all. I guess I'm not much to care about anyway.
I did something stupid today and made Chris upset with me, well he said not upset but dissapointed. I feel like I treat him so badly sometimes. Just with things I do to myself. The cutting, the smoking, the drinking. And what makes me feel even worse about it is I don't even know that I want to stop doing those things. Even though I know it hurts him. I'm a horrible person sometimes.
No wonder everyone I know has written me off.
I never wanted to be the desperate clingy pshycotic person. I feel like I am now.
I feel like I'm not only slipping away from all friends I ever had but away from Chris as well. I really do love him with all my heart, but sometimes I feel I'm not good enough for him and I just cause him undo grief.
I'm not really worth anything to anyone. I used to think for all my faults atleast I was a good friend, and I'm not even that anymore. I mean I try to be, but theres no one on the reciving end. No one cares.
I try to reach out to people and it feels like I get ignored, and it really hurts. I've been crying alot over lost freinds. And I honestly don't know what I did to make them want to get away from me.
I feel like I don't know how to act around people anymore. I'm constantly second guessing myself. I'm horribly jealous.
Do you ever feel like you're just to fucked up to have friends?
Sometimes I feel like the only reason Chris is still around is because he promised he would be. Like he just dosen't want to break his promise. I feel like I'm being a bad girlfriend because other than kissing and cuddling I just don't feel like being very intamate with him.
I just want my friends back. I don't know how to get them back. I don't even know why I'm trying. I feel like I'm bothering people. Like maybe I'm pushing to hard to be friends again. I don't want to be needy like this, but I need my friends. I can't make it on my own. Thank God Chris is still with me.
I don't really feel like I have much to offer to people. I don't feel like I have anything to talk about ever because I never DO anything to talk about. Umm yeah I totaly slept all day and then sat on the computer till the wee hours of the moring hoping somone would be on to talk to.
Where did I go wrong? I know where I went wrong. I cared to much about people. I wanted to make people happy. I did stupid shit to try to make them happy and it just blew up in my fucking face.
I respect the fact that this is not highschool anymore and people have actual lives. Jobs, families, college. I've just got to much time on my hands.
It's like I know certan people have been online and I haven't seen them in over a month online, and they don't respond to my emails and such but I KNOW they've been online and able to look at it. And I don't know what I did to these people to make them want to ignore me.
Its making me paranoid. Like maybe people are talking shit about me behind my back and making other people want to ignore me. Which is probably all just made up in my head.
Have I really become such a horrible person that no one can stand to be around me? People who said they would be there for me forever? That I could always count on them.
Can you go from being someones very best friend to just a little lower than dirt? How does that happen? How do I fix it? Won't someone just tell me already because I've been racking my brain and it's just leaving me frazzled.
Sometimes I think that everyone would just be better off if I weren't around. They wouldn't have to pretend to like me just for the sake of trying to keep me "sane".
Poor crazy Julia, gotta watch what you say around her 'cause she might get upset and try to kill herself again. Probably better to just pretend you didn't get that message from her. That way you wont have to watch what you say. It's just much easier that way. What? Actually talk to her in person? What are you crazy? What if she flipps out and like slits her wrists right there in front of you? No no, better to pretend she dosen't exsist.
And I realize this whole entry just sounds insane, but it's 5:30am, I don't feel well, my leg hurts, my head hurts, I'm lonley, I've dissapointed the only person who gives a damn about me. and I'm at the end of my rope over this whole "friend" situation.
I don't know, i guess I was wrong in thinking friends would overlook your faults and mistakes and give you second chances. I thought friends were people you could be yourself around and still be loved for who you are.
I'm always wrong. This world is to complicated for me sometimes.

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 02:05:36 GMT

WATCH NOW!

This is the first music video (and only thus far). Watch it now bitches! Love Love

It's official

Mon, 03 Jul 2006 22:38:40 GMT

I am so gay right now. I got a myspace account.

http://www.myspace.com/ladycellophane

After I preached about not getting one. Oh well, whatever.

More Thyroid Tests

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 22:13:03 GMT

Well they found a Nodule on my thyroid during the ultra sound I had last week. So now they want to do a nuclear uptake. Basically I have to take a pill, wait like 30 minutes. Then lie for about an hour while they scan every bit of my neck. Hate those. It's hard to be still for that long. I hope they are gonna treat me this time 'cause I've been through all this crap before TWICE. But this is a diffrent doctor so maybe so.

I'm just really tired of being so TIRED. I've been sleeping for like 20 hours a day. It's crazy. It's always like this when my thyroid flares up. I just want something to happen to make it stop being this way.

Allison is going to Emerald Isle tommorow and staying with her family in Raleigh for a few days after that. She'll be gone for a week. HOOORAY! Peace and quiet for a change. Lovely.

That's all I've got to post about I guess.

Mon, 26 Jun 2006 11:56:21 GMT

Well dad woke up yesterday afternoon and was home by that evening. So he's okay now. Though he had the nerve to say he did it because he thought Jamie was leaving because he had told her that night if she went out to pack her bags. So Jamie is quite upset because she thought it was her fault already.
I was thinking about calling him, but him blaming it on Jamie kind of pissed me off. You don't blame something like suicide on someone else. That's something that's totaly up to you. Your decison, no one elses.
Whatever, I guess I'm glad he's ok.

It feels like a bad dream

Sun, 25 Jun 2006 10:34:10 GMT

So about 5:30 this morning Jamie calls and tells mom that my dad is in the hospital. He apparently tried to kill himself by taking alot of insulin and a whole bottle of ambiem. They can't get him to wake up.
So that was a bit of a shock to me this morning. I'm not sure what to think really. It feels like a bad dream right now. I mean, he'll wake up. Sure he will. He has to. Right?

Once again no sleep

Fri, 16 Jun 2006 13:13:19 GMT

I went to bed about 2am this morning. Slept on and off till about 5:30am when I got up because my blood sugar was low. Couldn't go back to sleep after that and now my blood sugar is almost 500 and my nose is burning. I feel like crap right now. I gotta get myself to feeling better before this afternoon. Chris and I are going out to eat and then hang out at his place. So I have to feel better.

I really just want to sleep but my legs are so restless. They keep wanting to move around. It's driving me CRAZY!

I'm trying to stop smoking again. Hopefully this time it will last. I'm going to try my very best this time.

There is nothing on the internet anymore.

Lovely Weekend

Mon, 12 Jun 2006 09:56:02 GMT

Ah I had such a nice weekend. Got to spend both days with Chris.

Saturday he took me to EB and bought me 2 games. I got Still Life for the Xbox. Which is a cool little puzzle game. You are investigating some murders and you get to collect evidence and stuff. And got the coolest game for the DS EVER. Trauma Center Under the Knife. Oh man this game is like the game I've always wanted. You get to perform surgery. Cut open patients, remove glass from wounds, stich them up. I love it. Though I'm a little stuck at the moment on it. Stupid rupturing anurisms.

Then after EB he bought us Jamochas... OH... MY.... GOD!!! These things are sooooo good. I wasn't sure if I was gonna like them. Chris had talked them up so much. But damn Arbys knows how to make a good shake. Whoever invented these is a genious.

Chris bought X-men legends II and we played that for a few hours together. It was alot of fun. Nice multiplayer.

Then about 9pm we went swiming at his grandparents. I haven't been swimming in so long. The water was like the perfect temperature. Bats were swooping down on the bugs around. We got a little paranoid that a bat would whack us in the head, but thankfully that didn't happen.

I did however get eaten to death by bugs. I mean even on my forehead. So I'm quite itchy.

Sunday I went over to Chrises again and we just hung out. It was good quality cuddle time. Even though he licked me in the ear and made my ear feel all slimy. Ick.

I didn't sleep to much or to well all weekend though. It's continuing. It's 5:45am and I'm awake. Fell asleep sometime after 2am. That's not alot of sleep there. I don't know why I can't sleep well. But that's ok it'll catch up to me eventually and I'll crash and be able to sleep without trying at all.

But yes, overall a rather enjoyable weekend was had.

How's that working for you?

Sat, 10 Jun 2006 07:04:00 GMT

So today my mom decided to write to Dr. Phil and tell him about me and also our family as a whole. She's hoping to get me some better help. I doubt anything will come of it though.

It's 3am and I cannot sleep. I was laying in bed for over an hour. I'm tired but my brain is just running circles. Singing like one second long bits of songs over and over till I want to scream. Hate when that happens.

Hopefully later today will go well. Chris is taking me to EB to get some games, and to Arbys to get a Jamocha, he says they are really good. We'll see.

I'm bored. I have nothing else to say. Must try to sleep.

Can i make beauty stay if I take my life?

Wed, 07 Jun 2006 18:00:33 GMT

I'm not really doing so well today. The voices are hanging around in the background. But I heard a new loud voice this afternoon, all it said was "TODAY". Now I'm worried something is going to happen. It's silly I suppose. No, I KNOW it's silly, but I can't make the dread go away.
I have a Dr. appointment in a little while. Just a checkup. I'm having my mom drive me 'cause I'm to much of a nervous/depressed wreck at the moment. I'm not like suicidal or anything, I know I have things to look forward to in life. I sorta want to cut, but I don't care enough to cut.
I know most of this is just the hormone change from my "monthly visitor". It still sucks though.

Tommorow I have to go get an ultra sound on my thyroid. I was supposed to have it 2 weeks ago but they had to reschedule. I hope they find something they can fix with it.

AFI's new album is not very good. Not very AFI. If I didn't know it was them I'd barley be able to figure it out. I guess it's an okay album on it's own, but not for being an AFI album. Cause I know they can do so much better. And I don't know what the hell is going on with Davey. He's even more of a girl than he used to be. I'm so disenchanted. But I guess it's okay, I have Gerard. He's more my type anyway. Comic book loving, horror movie enthusiast. Davey is a girly vegan. Oh Davey, I loved you once. You look like an ugly drag queen now, I'm sorry I can't handle that. hehe.

yeah, I'm definitaly NOT buying this album....

Ideas anyone?

Tue, 06 Jun 2006 01:34:08 GMT

Okay I know it's early but everyone in my group is getting ideas for halloween costumes. I'm trying to think of something good to go as. Something dark and diffrent.
Chris is going as Pyramid head from Silent Hill.

Something not to hard to make because I can't sew very well but I can get my mom or something to help if need be.

Also something not expensive to make as I have no money right now, though if luck is on my side I may have my first social security check by then to buy some things for it.

Things to remember: I'm overweight, so nothing skimpy and nothing that's gonna look really stupid on me.

Ideas greatly appriciated.

Another sleepless night

Mon, 22 May 2006 09:24:40 GMT

Once again i find myself awake in the early hours of the morning. I can't stand not being able to sleep.
I'm agitated and restless. I lie in bed, I toss and turn. Sleep won't come to me.

I had a crappy day today. I felt like shit all day. Physically and mentally. I'm worn out. I'm jittery. I want to destroy things. I want to destroy myself. I know no good would come of it so I can restrain myself from my destructive tendencys.

It's so hard. Everything is so hard. I'm tired of feeling this way. This tense nervousness that won't go away no matter what I do. I've read, tried to draw, tried to write some poetry, tried many times to sleep. I've watched TV, played games, listened to music, took time out to try to reflect, prayed. Nothing is working, and the longer I am up the more agitated I get. All I want to do is sleep and make this feeling go away.

It's like I can't breathe. I'm trembling. I lie still in bed and shake. I don't know what to do about it. I've taken my sleep aids and retaken them and it's just not doing anything but making me more frustrated. I just hope that maybe in a few hours I'll become so exhausted I pass out. But I want to sleep now. There is nothing to do but sit here with my thoughts, and those are to jumbled and frantic for me to deal with right now.

I feel like I'm heading for another nervous break down. I don't want that to happen because it makes me feel weak. Like I can't even keep control of myself. That's a terrible feeling. If you can't control yourself what good are you? I really just want to get away from it all. I feel like I'm going to snap at any moment and do something I'll regret. I need a vacation from myself and everything around me. I need some sleep. Just some simple sleep. I know it will make a world of diffrence if I can just sleep.

Saturday night Chris, Panda, Akira and Sarah were over at my house. We had another old school gaming night. I don't think I played anything... no I guess I didn't. But it was fun just hanging out. I do feel bad for pressuring Sarah into comming out. I don't guess she really wanted to be there. She kinda hung in the doorway at first, looking really uncomfortable. Then she and Akira spent a few hours outside, ending in Akira telling Sarah to go home. I feel like I should have let up on her when I was talking to her on the phone trying to get her to come over. I guess I thought that if she came out she might cheer up and have some fun. Guess I was wrong.
But I guess other than that it was a decent night.

I've been trying to clean up the files on my computer a bit. Got the 300gig external harddrive in the other day. It takes forever to transfer stuff over to it though. I'm trying to get all my anime on it. Takes like an hour to get 5 gigs over onto it. I'll get it over eventually and it wont be so bad.
Sifting through pictures. I have like 3 gigs of pictures. That's a damn lot of pictures. I deleted most of my "disturbing" folder. It was pointless to have. I mostly saved stuff just so I could repost it on 4chan or hopefully gross out Akira... He was brave saturday and looked at some of the pictures and then couldn't handle it. So I figured it did it's job. Plus they are just pictures that make me worry needlessly. And who really need a picture of a shotgun to the face? No one really. I disgust myself sometimes.

I feel like I want to cut. Not because I'm upset, but because I'm so shakey and agitated feeling. It feels like this immense pressure inside of me and somehow if I cut it'll relive that. I know it wont really so I'm not going to do it. I'd like these scars to eventually heal without tons of new ones. I feel like screaming, like screaming would push out the bad feelings. But at 5am I don't think me screaming my lungs out would be the best idea.

Moms painting the kitchen and it gives me anxiety. I know it's silly, but it's just so cluttered and unorganized that it makes me want to scream. She's going about it in a really wierd way. painting some stuff and then starting to paint something else entierly. It's a wreck and as a result the livingroom and kitchen are dangerous places to walk. I can't tell you how many times I've stubbed my toe on a paint can or some other miscellanious bit of hardware. I want her to be finished with it already. She was talking about painting the whole house today. I wanted to vomit. I don't know why I'm having so much anxiety over the stupid remodleing. It's not because I hate change or anything. I think part of it is the clutter and maybe another part is my dad was remodling our house and I remeber specifically the kitchen, when I was going through a really rough time in my life. Maybe it's something to do with that. How absurd.

I don't really expect anyone to read all this, it's just ramblings. Mostly just to give me something to do right now and it's helping me sort some junk out a bit as well.

I have to go Thursday for an ultrasound... on my THYROID... they found a cyst on it last time, about 3 years ago, but they didn't do anything about it. I'm a little worried about it. Not the test itself, but I don't want them to have to do a biopsy and cut into my neck. I'm wierd about sharp things around my neck, makes me uneasy.

Speaking of ultrasound. My mom pissed me off with her off the wall questions and accusations. The other day she goes "I was looking through your artwork.. you seem to draw alot of dead babies. Did something happen? Did you get pregnant and get rid of the baby? Is that why you draw those things?" WTF? About a week ago she accused me of huffing paint because I had 2 cans of spray paint with my art supplies. Paint cans that had been there for like 3 years from when I was making the no doubt dolls and spray painted tony brown. Everythime she loses something she automatically assumes I stole it. Then when she finds it right where she left it she dosen't even bother to tell me sorry for jumping to conclusions and making me feel like shit.
She always trys to push me into talking about things that I don't want to talk about. Just out of the blue. She asks me about the rape and then asks me if I remeber any of her boyfriends doing anything to me. Why? Should I ? I don't. I don't remeber shit about that part of my life and I'd rather not talk about it because she's just going to make me paranoid that something did happen and I blocked it out.
She pushes the subject of my dad to much. I mean she's been told she shouldn't bad mouth him in front of me, or talk about the crummy things he did. But she does anyway. She thinks saying "now I'm not trying to say anything bad about your daddy, but..." before she tells me crap makes it better. And I tell her I don't want to talk about it and then she's concerned because "I'm shutting her out" or "bottling up my feelings". I keep telling her I don't know how I feel about the situation. I'm a peace with how things are. I've forgiven him for what he did and I just choose not to have a relationship with him. Then she pokes and prods "are you sure you've forgiven him, because..blah.. blah..blah". Sometimes I think she wants me to be miserable. But she wants me to be miserable and functional. Just functional enough to clean up her messes and go run errands for her and that's it. God she drives me crazy.

The more I think about it the more I think I need to get away from her for a while. I can't take her lately. Everytime her back is turned I'm making faces at her because I just want to slap her or scream at her. It's stressing me out.

I just can't take it. I just can't fucking take it.

I guess I'm done ranting. I've just succesfully pissed myself off more than I was. Go me.

The frog keeps them out

Tue, 16 May 2006 12:17:44 GMT

How sad. I had to wear my frog beanie to sleep last night to keep the voices out of my head. I didn't go to sleep till after 4am. Got up at 7:30am. I have IOP today. I'm getting mom to drive me because I don't trust myself behing the wheel.

Oh, I but Sunday night and last night as well. Not deep cuts just deep scratches. I don't know why I did it. I just did. I didn't try any of my methods to make myself stop. I think I just really wanted to see the blood 'cause none of the cuts hurt when i did them, still don't hurt. But I'm a little numb at the moment.

I hate when the depression sets in. I try to tell myself everything is okay, and it really is. But nothing makes me happy. It's like that upper end range of emotions has been taken away from me and I can only move around in a confined space of depression and numbness.

I don't want to be crazy anymore. I sat on my back porch last night just saying "help me, somebody help me" into the wind. That's what I feel like. I'm so frustrated that all I can think to say is "help me". I don't know what to do anymore.

Sat, 13 May 2006 13:20:03 GMT

Haha I'm listining to meatloaf. I love random on my iTunes. with 3,600+ songs you never know what you'll get. Love, Love.

So it's 9am right now. I've been up since 5am. Having wierd ass dreams where I keep dying but then come back to life somehow. Me and Gwen got our brains bashed in by President Bush and some people from that Christian TV station CBN or whatever. That was really odd. Wonder what it means? Hah, if I ever tried to analyze my dreams I don't know what would happen. Probably the world would explode.

So if you hadn't noticed I'm VERY manicy right now. I can tell I'm manicy because I have that "hyper-manic twitch" going on. Where I have so much energy it's like a 5 year old hopped up on pixie sticks. I want to jump on my bed for some reason. I'd break it.

I got up this morning and watched the sun rise whilst I had a ciggarette. That was nice. It was very calm and peaceful. I sat outside for about an hour listining to the birds (which made me feel like I was in a jungle, I swear I heard monkies). Saw this grandaddy long legs and was mesmerized by it. It kept crawling to the otherside of the bars on the porch and then would pop back up in a random place. I think I was playing peek-a-boo with the spider. I was all giddy when it would pop back up. So random.

Came back in and drew some in the semi-light since my light bulb poped when I flipped the light switch (and made me jump about 10 feet as well). Got one picture that I was really happy about, one picture that didn't turn out to bad but nothing to write home about, and one "cyanide and happiness" comic that is stupid, but that's what those comics are like anyway.
Then I spent about 45 minutes trying to get the scanner to scan properly. It kept cutting off my images, just the slightest bit, but it was pissing me off. So finally after many threats I got it to work right and I scanned the pics I did this morning for deviant art, and scanned some older stuff that I felt like putting up on DA as well. I have to resize and crop them still though.

My stomach was hella ill this morning but I hot boxed a stoogie and for some reason that made my tummy ache go away. And gave me a nice rush as well. Swisher Sweets are nummy. Bad tobacco! BAD! I decided after this pack of ciggs I'm on I'm not gonna get anymore. I keep spazzing out everytime I smoke thinking my heart is gonna explode or something. That would suck. And I really don't need anymore health problems. I have enough as it is.

I'm going shopping with Chris today for mothers day gifts. That'll be lots of fun. I'm glad I'm feeling good and I've got energy. Yesterday I could hardly move I was so exhausted. I hate when I get like that. But I love the manic state, I do I do.

Hahah, I'm so cool, wearing Chrises playstatyion 2 hat backwards and stuff. Yeah i'm badass. Word... and uhh stuff.

Oh man i hope I don't crash hard from this... since it's the weekend and all and I can't really get ahold of Dr. Deleon to see if I should back off my meds some. Whatever, I'm not gonna worry about it. If I crash, I crash, and yes it will suck, but hopefully it won't be a full out "I hate my life and want to die" crash. Just a "I'm gonna sleep for a day or 2" crash.

Well I think I've rambled long enough for now. I don't even know if anyone bothers to read my posts anyway. I know I sound like a raving lunatic.

PS: Rachel told me to wear a hat or tinfoil on my head to keep the voices out. Yeah I'm so totaly putting tinfoil on my head. LOL. (she just said as long as you belive something works it will, even if it's totaly crazy)

The End.

If you read the whole thing I'll give you a cookie

Thu, 04 May 2006 21:21:03 GMT

I feel myself getting into manic mode again. Rachel and Dr. DeLeon noticed it too. Which sucks 'cause I was hoping I was just imagining it. But when other people notice the crazyness creeping in on me it must be real. The manic part isn't bad, it's the inevitable crash at the end. I'm trying to keep myself from getting really manicy and high so I don't crash so far. Dr. DeLeon adjusted my meds again today to kinda ease me down off the manic state.
I got a little distraught when she said "you're just one of those tough cases where you cycle so fast we have to constantly adjust your medication to keep you level." That's not really encouraging. I mean having to adjust my meds every 5 days or so just dosen't seem like it would leave me time to lead a normal life. Hard to belive just last week she had to adjust my medication because I was horribly suicidal. Now I'm to "happy". And it's not that I'm "happy". I'm in a decent mood, but I'm also kinda agitated and the voice in my head came back this morning. It's just mumbling, but I can like FEEL it in the back right side of my head. I know I look crazy 'cause I keep grabbing the back of my head like I'm gonna pull out a little person or something.

:: sighs :: Am I not the craziest person you know? Do you see my decline into this madness as the years go on? Some of you I've known since like... what 2000 or so? I just get crazier every year. I'm a little afraid this is what my life is going to be like.

I get discouraged when I think about my 'progress'.The problem is, I don't have "issues" to work through. I mean I do, but in the grand scheme of things the issues aren't whats really effecting my mental health. It's my brain, and it's screwed up big time. I mean even if I don't get any worse off than I am now. I can't hold down a job or go to school in this state. That's why I'm working on the social security disability, which I'm sure I'll get once I get to see the judge, it's just waiting that's killing me.
And I guess I don't mind if I can't be normal. I'm just worried about Chris. What if hospitilizations are just going to be a fact of my life? Its not so bad if I just go in before it gets bad, and I don't do something really stupid. But how much can one person take? I'm afraid he'll start to resent the fact that I don't have a job. I mean it may end up that I'll never be able to work because I cycle so much and I'll be constantly dealing with side effects of the medication and my own head.
I thought about it alot today. I'm learning coping skills for my problems, but the coping skills are just that, it dosen't make the problems stop. It just keeps me from doing rash things, like cutting or trying to OD again. I mean I have to sit here and litsten to music and/or talk outloud to myself so I don't hear the voice so bad. I can't realistically work like that. It like I'm just learning how to survive life, not thrive.

I guess it's hard to explain what I mean. I don't mind just surviving, having a little happiness and pleasure where I can get it. I just don't want to drag people down with me and make them deal with my crap.

I'm sure I won't be getting out of IOP (intensive outpatient) any time soon. People have already come and gone through the program since I've started this time around. However I am worried about what I'm going to do when I get out of it. Last time I just relapsed and went back into the hospital. I do alright when I'm in IOP because I have acess to the Dr. so easily. But what happens when it's just a once a month visit. And I like Dr. DeLeon she's good, she's helping me alot because she's monitoring me closely and changing my meds to keep up with my changes. And I like Rachel she's eazy to talk to and she knows what she's doing. I don't want to start over. I've hated every Dr. and Therapist I've ever been to.

It's kinda sad that I'm like a regular facet at Aorura (I'll never be able to spell that right). I mean the receptionist, the office manager all those people know who I am. Rubina, the Outpatient receptionist is nice, she's always like "how's my favorite girl doing today?" and stuff like that. She gives me hugs when I'm inpatient and I feel all special hehe. I mean I guess it's nice to know that these people honestly care about me and think about me and how to help me even when they are like at home and stuff. But it's a little sad that they have to.

This is turning out to be longer than I intended it to be, but I suppose I need to vent and get my thoughts all straightened out right now.

Anyway...

My mom seems to think my problems just stem from the fact that I had a bad childhood. And while I can't say that it's not a factor at all, I think even if I had a "good" childhood my brain would still be messed up and I would still be having these problems. I hate to think that the answer is purley a matter of medication. I know it's not just that, but it is frustrating when people tell me to do things like attend church and my life will just turn right around. Or if I just stop feeling sorry for myself (which I DON'T) or get up and "do something", or go out, or a million little other things, I'll be cured. Yeah i do feel happy when I get to go out and do something like hang out with friends or just spending some time with Chris. But logically I can't do that ALL the time, and as soon as I get home I'm back to where I was. It's really really frustrating.

It's not like I'm just "giving up" or something. I don't think this is me giving up. I think it's me accepting the way things are. Knowing there are some things I can change but when it comes right down to it I have a disease, a mental illness. I can't help I hear voices in my head. I can't change the fact that my moods change in a matter of minutes. I cannot control my random anxiety. And that's all it is, random anxiety. Yes I get anxious about certain things, like shopping and stuff, but I can deal with that because I know what and why. When I don't know whats wrong I can't do anything about it.

That's another thing. I know people mean well when they ask me what's wrong, but sometimes... no... most of the time I don't really know what's wrong. The best I can say is my brain is wonky and throwing out emotions for it's own amusement.I know it must be aggravating for the people who want to help me. It probably seems like I just don't want help, but I do, I just really don't know. And I don't know what will make it better. I never know. I just have to guess at it and hope something will work.

Something else. As the months and years go by I notice I'm getting out of touch with everyone I used to be close with. Online mostly. I used to talk to everyone all the time, but see now everyone is "growing up" and they have actual real lives and we just don't have much to talk about anymore. I feel like I don't have anything to talk about with anyone anymore. My life consists of trying to control my feelings and keeping myself from killing myself. That dosen't make for much conversation. And I know people would just get tired of it and say I just want attention because that's all I would have to talk about. I don't want attention, well atleast not like that. Yeah I'd like to talk to some people more often and I'd like attention in that respect. But I guess i'm to scared that I'll freak them out or scare them off, or bored them or have them think i'm totaly self absorbed. So I don't talk to anyone.

I miss writing letters to people and sending little packages. It was so much fun having pen pals. I used to wait on the tips of my toes for the mail to come to see if I had a letter. I don't get them anymore. Most people stopped writing me back, or I stopped writing them back and we got so out of touch I'm scared to just pick up and write again. Because, yeah what would I write about but my boring life and my unstability? And hell, I don't know if I have the right adresses for people anymore it's been so long and everyones getting to be that age where they go to college and move from home.

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I guess I'm done. And yes if you read this whole thing I'll give you a big 'ol cookie.

new PC parts for meee!

Mon, 24 Apr 2006 23:31:25 GMT

Ah yes. I'm getting some new parts for my PC. A new video card, a Gig of RAM and a new spiffy case. 260 bucks. Mom's getting everyone else laptops, but i said I'd rather just get some new parts for my existing PC. Chris is ordering them tommorow from newegg (I looove Newegg ). Hopefully I'll be able to run the sims 2 and the University expansion by this weekend. I'm so excited!

I have IOP tommorow... borrring. Oh well maybe there will be new people. The 2 guys in there with me now bore me to death. I don't know what happened to the other guy. Hope he didn't mess up and get back on coke or something. Oh well I guess it's not my problem anyway.

The plumber came out today to fix the toilet in my bathroom. The reason why it was clogged was it was filled with weeds. Not weed... WEEDS! Like mass amounts of vegitation. We just went ahead and got a new toilet while he was at it 'cause he broke the tank on our old one so that was free. But man there was so many weeds. It looked like a horses mane in there. Crazy.

I'm attempting some new craft projects. A 20 x 27 inch latch hook rug with good luck bear on it. And then papercrafts. I've only done one really easy papercraft so far. I messed up on the 2nd one I was trying, I think i accidentaly cut of something I wasn't supposed to 'cause it wont close.
4chan is now good for papercrafts. I want to make alot of papercrafts and set them everywhere. Some are really daunting. There's one of Howls Moving castle... it looks INSANE to build. I don't think I'll bother to attempt that anytime soon.

I guess that's all for today. I'm actually in a good mood for once. yay!

Ha ha ha that's funny.

Fri, 21 Apr 2006 15:34:36 GMT

Got this from Oshi. It's pretty cool, try it out.

the Cutting Edge
(57% dark, 50% spontaneous, 31% vulgar)

your humor style:
CLEAN | SPONTANEOUS | DARK

Your humor's mostly innocent and off-the-cuff, but somehow there's something slightly menacing about you. Part of your humor is making people a little uncomfortable, even if the things you say aren't themselves confrontational. You probably have a very dry delivery, or are seriously over-the-top.

Your type is the most likely to appreciate a good insult and/or broken bone and/or very very fat person dancing.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: David Letterman - John Belushi

The 3-Variable Funny Test!

- it rules -

If you're interested, try my best friend's best test:
The Genghis Khan Genetic Fitness Masterpiece

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 64% on darkness
You scored higher than 63% on spontaneity
You scored higher than 34% on vulgarity

Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

4 times! 4 times!

Wed, 05 Apr 2006 22:00:00 GMT

Apparently I am in love with the hospital and the mental facility. Yep. I was in again. Last tuesday I Oded on some stuff and had to go again. I got out Saturday. I talked my way out 'cause this girl in there was annoying the HELL out of me. She kept asking me to stay near her and ask the nurses for stuff for her. Then she'd rant and rave about how she hated it there and had to get out. I kept telling her mouthing off to the staff didn't help you get out any faster but she wouldn't listen.

Something I though funny though. When I was in the ER they were trying to get me to pee in the bed pan. Chris came in and my first words to him were "Hi! I'm trying to pee!" Then I missed the bedpan and peed all over the bed. oopsie

Oh man when they took the IV out of me they put the bandage on and it looked fine and then like 10 seconds later i look down and theres a puddle of blood all over the floor and i'm bleeding like crazy from my hand. I had to hold it over the sink till they came back with another bandage and got it to stop.

I gotta stop doing stupid shit like that. I didn't even really realize I was taking the pills till i was done. I was kinda zoned out when I did it. I didn't really have a reason to. I'm so dumb sometimes.

I can't wait till Friday, were going to have a little get together. Old school night. Were gonna watch the ninja turtles movie, play old school video games, eat pizza, drink energy drinks, and I'm taking my POGS and damnit someone will play with me!

I'm so bored. The End.

little sleep and wierd dreams

Wed, 22 Mar 2006 21:21:58 GMT

I'm still having alot of trouble sleeping. It's hard to get to sleep and even harder to stay asleep. I sleep in like 15 minute chunks, and if I'm lucky I get a full hour of sleep acompanied by wierd ass and disturbing dreams. Part of the reason why I can't sleep so much is because I'm afraid of the dreaming. I'm having to many dreams where i'm cutting myself and burning myself with my cigarettes. Then I wake up anxious as hell and having to fight the urges and guilt. I know they are just dreams but when you keep dreaming you're in hell or slicing yourself up, or playing clarinet to a talking panda... it wierds you out some.

I think the suppliment that Chrises mom got for me is helping a little already. It's supposed to take a few days to work. I know when I take it I get sleepy, it just dosen't last very long. So hopefully it'll build up and I'll be back to sleeping again.

I know another part is I'm not taking my meds like I'm supposed to, but they make me so fucking ill and make me sleep ALLLLL the time. I'm trying to take them like I'm supposed to, I just forget sometimes. I know it's not good to just take them off and on, but damn it really is hard to remeber. I mean I can't even remember to take my insulin when I eat, untill my blood sugar is high and I feel miserable.

I have memory problems.

I have to much stress.

Ciggarettes are making my throat hurt worse and making me sick to my stomach but I'm still smoking them. Though I am only smoking like half of one when I smoke and I'm not smoking them nearly as often. It's just when I wake up from a bad dream I kinda feel like I need one. It helps with my shaking and my twitching nerves.

I'm to young to be falling apart like this. Sheesh.

Haha! I feel loved Oshi finally tagged me for something!

Wed, 22 Mar 2006 10:09:29 GMT

Guilt	What is yours?	Explain yourself
Culinary:	Chineese food	MSG, it's gotta be the MSG. I pick chineese buffets over any food place. I always make myself sick when I eat there though.
Literary:	Harry Potter	When I pick up a HP book I can't put it down. They are addictive and fun. I still haven't read the latest one yet and it's driving me crazy.
Audiovisual:	Bloody Stuff	Sensless violence and blood. I adore it. It makes me laugh.
Musical:	No Doubt	Not as bad as I used to be. I actually listen to other stuff now, but I've still got my No Doubt stuff in places. I feel some sick sort of dedication to them. Not to Keen on Mrs. Stefani as of late though
Celebrity:	Apnea	Okay okay, not a real "celebrity" I guess. She's a suicide girl. I have dreams about her all the time.. she makes me drool.. i feel like a geeky fan boy when I talk about her.

Now I tag:-

blissi darthwesker hk_world alldoubt and electrifie

to complete this same Quiz, Its HERE.

No sleepy for me

Wed, 15 Mar 2006 06:58:45 GMT

I can't sleep. The reason why I can't sleep it I haven't taken my seroquel. The reason why I haven't taken it is because I think it's making me black out and do stupid stuff. It's bothering me really bad. Apparently I've been drinking some, not sure how much though. And i think my mom found a pack of razor blades I apparently bought one night. Thankfully I didn't do anything with them. But I don't know where or when I got them. Actually I'm not sure I didn't dream her asking about them or not.
I've been sick with something for the last like week and a half, I'm FINALLY getting to go to the dr. tommorow morrning.. or well today at 10. I hope he figures out what it is, and hopefully can give me something else to help me sleep because I'm to afraid to take that seroquel again. I a little worried that I'm going to have to go into the hospital again if this dosen't get figured out. My mom said when she read my paper journal a while back that there were entries that sounded like I was another person or something, and I keep finding little things that I don't remeber writing or doing. Kinda losing some blocks of time, but mostly it's at night after I've taken my meds, so hopefully that's all it is.
I don't need any more crazy thank you very much.

I'm a little depressed, okay very depressed. It seems like everyone I ever considered a friend has left me in some form or another. I still have Chris of course and I'm totaly grateful. Sometimes I'm just a little worried I'm gonna get so out of control and "crazy" and I'll just lose him as well. I know it's silly. I know he loves me. It's just one of those things that the voice in my head likes to pick at me about and sometimes it's hard not to listen. Oh well, what can you do but live each day as it comes and hope the next day is better.

Seinfield, Gwen, Star Trek,Star Wars, and Nazis

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 13:56:46 GMT

Okay being sick and taking dramamine seems to have made my dreams even wierder than ususal.

At first it starts off as kind of normal for me wierd. I'm talking to Kramer and Elaine from Seinfield. Okay, wierd, but that's obviously because that's the last thing I watched on tv before I went to bed. So anyway, I'm telling them I'll take them on a tour of the south because they have never been here before. I plan to take them to this haunted field, which just happens to be my Mamaws backyard. Then we get to the car... Now the car dosen't have wheels. It has these wierd little springs and the car is basically just a wireframe. So we sit down and Kramer decides to try the car. Oh did I mention the car dosen't have breaks or gas.. it just has one mode "GO". So all of a sudden we are FLYING down the road and Elaine and I are screaming at him to stop the car because we are almost falling out. He turns us into this road where there are mass amounts of Star Wars fans with lots of those plastic lightsabers and so we have to fight them till we break their sabers. Then was a Darth Jar-Jar there, I kid you not.
So now I'm driving the car. I take it off an exit, and instead of just going off the ramp I take it to jump off this bridge. Apparently when i jump off this bridge I entered another "world". Apparently I've gone to the land of the dead... or maybe hell. Or both.
It's no problem for me because apparently I passed the dead test. Hah, who knew I was already dead. :: shruggs :: But I have to send the others back quickly before we all get in trouble. So they go back, I'm patted down to make sure I'm not alive anymore. (don't know how they figured it out). But then I'm in a room smoking a cigar. I put out the cigar and then I hear a beating on the door. "Open up, we smell illegal tobacco in there!" It's like the hell police. Nazis. So they figure out it was me and take me to this room with shelves of books and files and stuff. Apparently it's like your life gets put into books and things and the way they get rid of you is to burn your books. They burn your books and you burn off into oblivion. So I look at my stack and then I notice Gwen's stack on the shelf next to mine. Then things start to get woozy, and I see all the people in the room kind of like thumbnails on a computer. I keep calling for Gwen because that's the only person I know. Then I see them out of the corner of my eye light my shelf on fire. I don't feel anything, but then I start to feel warm, and I start screaming for Gwen to watch out because she's going to burn.
Then Gwen comes into the room, she's like Don't Speak video Gwen. But her eyes get wide because she sees these people on fire clinging to books. She looks at me and for some reason I had stopped burning. I told her "they don't know they are burning. We're going to burn too."
It's at this point I notice that theres a massive amount of police that are setting up shelves to burn. Like they are cleaning house or something. Gwen sees Gavins shelf and wants to go over but she can't. They are making sure that couples are apart. I see Chris and I blow him and kiss and tell him I love him, but then they carry him off. So Gwen and I decide to take out a marker and write on the shelves. We sign our names and I write "I love you forever Chris" and Gwen writes "I love you Gavin and our 3 girls".
Next I see the chief of the police walk by.. smoking a cigar! So it hits me "something is just not right here". I try to talk to him but the police shut me out and say I cant and he has special privledges.
So at this point I decide we have to do something, we have to fight. I'm shouting to everyone that we have to fight to stay. I'm running from room to room trying to get to the front of the line to see what's going on. Apparently my shelf starts burning because i start to feel warm again but I'm trying to learn what I can about what's going on.
There are people that are saying they have to clean house. They don't have enough room for everyone. They didn't really have a certain system for who they were picking. I figured I had to get them to get a system for picking the right people. I decide to try to get the Nazis to fight against the Nazis.
Now this takes several attempts. For some reason everytime I burn I come back and start over, each time with a better understanding of what's going on. I finally get it to where they have all these Nazis and KKK members in the rooms. And they have one big room at the end that is filled with KKK members who are all mad at like the nazis for some reason. In each room I've set up people who are also "good" to try to take out as many of the bad people as they can. Each room is lined with diffrent weapons from history. For some reason someone thought Star Trek was real and set up a room with phasers and crap that didn't work. So I had to make my way to that room and I started ripping the jaws off of the, what are now zombie like creatures. The next room is a room full of hitler youth and some boy scouts. So I tell the boy scouts to get the hitler youth to tear their own jaws off. So there are kids ripping their jaws off left and right.
I leave there and go back to the big room to make sure ends are all tied up, there are only 2 KKK members left... they are those 2 twin girls from Prussian Blue. I start shooting them but they won't die. One runs out of ammo and decides to poop on my foot. So I rip her jaw off. I shoot the other one and she dies easily.
Finally all is solved, the area is thinned out. I return to my "section" basically a bed in a huge tower, and I find that it's been like 60 years of fighting. There are TVs that were covering ther "war". They said it was finally over and wouldn't happen again because they had found ways to make plenty of room for people.
I look down at my bed and it's got my name tag and says "age 72, lost mind" And I picked it up and looked at the lady in the bed next to me and said "it's a shame I lose my mind in the end, but I guess I always knew it would happen."

Then i wake up..... it was a really wierd dream. The End.

Overwhelmed

Wed, 01 Mar 2006 01:35:53 GMT

I'm so overwhelmed right now. I had a random panic attack today and I haven't really gotten over it yet. I'm jumpy and afraid. I feel like I'm going out of my head. I've got the voice literally SCREAMING at me right now and I can't take it.
I prayed and read the bible and done just about everything else I can think of to do and it's still there going strong. I want it to go away. It's just a bad day I know. I know it will go away. I don't have to cut or hurt myself to make it go away. But oh man, I really just feel like bashing my head with allisons softball bat or something. I feel like makings some cuts into my flesh so I can see the blood and feel the pain.

It's awful of me to think things like that I know, but I can't help it right now. I just don't know what to do with myself. I want to go to bed so I can be done with this day and all it's hasseles.

It's just one of those days where things seem so hectic that I can't even comprehend my life at the moment. Where I am, what I'm doing... it just feels like I'm on auto pilot at the moment. My head hurts, my body is tense. I feel like putting my fist through the window. I'm so agitated and anxious and restless.

I don't even know if this entry is gonna make any sense. I just want it all to go away.